Advice from My Very Favorite Olympia Parenting Coach: Emily McMason.

Parenting can be hard.  Really hard.  When my first child turned two, there were times when I felt at a complete loss for how to be a good parent.  I felt upset when my child wouldn't listen to me.  I felt embarrassed at any misbehavior in front of strangers at the grocery store, or much worse, in front of my own family members.  In general, I felt at a loss, not knowing what advice to seek or who to listen to.  Then I found Emily McMason's parent education class and it changed my life.

In Emily's classes, I learned what behaviors to expect from my children based on their developmental stages and how to respond to them from a place of empathy.  Emily gave me practical ways to address meltdowns and negative behavior (like hitting, kicking, and biting), as well as grounding techniques for both myself and for my kids.  I'm sure people are tired of me saying "well my parenting class teacher says…" so I'll leave it to her.  Here is my interview with Emily McMason:

Emily McMason outside of her Parent Education class (an SPSCC program), held at Peter G Schmidt Elementary in Tumwater.

Alice: What are the top 3 topics families come to you for regarding children under 4?

Emily: Sleep, discipline and family structure—who are we, how do we balance life, and do we need to be on the same page in our parenting style?

Alice: What advice would you give to parents who are expecting?

Emily: Everything is going to change. Everything. In ways you can’t begin to imagine, no matter how much you have thought about things, asked others about things, researched and read about things. And this is the magic. We are reborn with the birth of our children, no matter how they enter our lives. It breaks us open, and we get to craft a new life, a new identity. And sometimes that crafting comes from a very intentional place, and sometimes it comes from raw necessity. It can be very lonely, know that you are never alone.

Alice: What advice would you give to parents of toddlers?

Emily: Breathe. And breathe again. They are doing hard developmental work. Sometimes they do it gracefully and sometimes not well at all. We’ve all been the parents of a child melting down in public. I promise. When they were younger their schedule was driven by sleep needs. Now their schedule is structured around their self-regulation needs. Remember they aren’t misbehaving deliberately, they are struggling because they are learning. It helps to shift our perspective to view it from ‘How can I help them?’ instead of ‘how do I stop this?’

Alice: What I get asked most about during photo sessions revolves around the topic of discipline (kids sitting still for a photo, smiling or not smiling, following direction, etc), and this is usually when I bring up your lessons.  What key advice or reassurance would you give parents of young kids regarding discipline when parents feel stressed about their kids behaving (and maybe a side note about people watching, grandparent’s opinions, etc)?

Emily: Before our kiddos have language abilities, they are watching us. Our body language, our faces, everything. And they continue to watch us as they listen to us. So on days like family photographs, they hear the words ‘smile!’ or ‘look at the camera!’ and what they feel is—wow. Mom is super stressed about something. And anxious. And exasperated. And heading towards angry. I’m not sure this environment is safe for us. And this is true in lots of interactions we have—from picture day to events with grandparents to just about any time we are out in public spaces.

And all of that makes it really hard for a kiddo to relax and follow directions. On special occasion days (and every day) I ask parents to remember what is of highest value to them—is it a perfect picture? (because none of us live perfect lives). Is it having grandparents or total strangers think we have it all together? (because their lives are just as real as ours are). Is it the love we have for our kids? (even when, especially when, we are in a stressful space). Ahhh, that’s it. So then the question is—what does love look like? Does it look like offering a snack? Rubbing a back? Reminding them with compassion what is expected and helping them do it? Having a family-wide ticklefest? Leaving earlier than we had planned? In these moments we are usually just as flooded as our kids are. So stopping ourselves and asking what does love look like here? helps ground us and gives us a way forward with our children.

Alice: When does your book come out?

Emily: The book is finished and fully edited. I am currently working on a cover design, and looking for representation, so if anyone knows anyone….

Emily listening and talking to a student at the SPSCC parenting class.

I can say without a doubt that Emily’s classes have been the most helpful parenting tool I’ve come across by far. She is an incredible listener and has spot on advice that really works. Sure, parenting is still hard even when you put her advice into practice, but it helps to have solid, practical tools that you can use every day.

You can find out more about Emily McMason’s classes and coaching (including distance coaching via Skype), by visiting her Evolving Parents website here. She also teaches classes in Tumwater for families on Friday mornings (which include childcare) through the South Puget Sound Community College (SPSCC).